Sorry it's been so long.
My day started awfully! I woke up late, realized I forgot to do my homework, hurried and got it done, had to get a roommate to drive me to class, realized I brought the wrong bag, then had to get my roommate to bring the right bag. It was also freezing. I went to the store but forgot my wallet so my other roommate had to buy my stuff for me. Then I went to work for three hrs.
Then my day was awesome! I went to an awesome jazz concert, and saw a one of my friends from high school. You remember T? well a week ago I finally got up the courage to email him, and today he emailed me back! I totally was not expecting that. It made my day, I smiled so big and my roommate knew how happy I was and told me I had very right to be. I'm still beaming because of it (that was approx three hrs ago). And its thanksgiving break! so happy right now. I haven't been this happy in a long time :) I'm now going to play a game with my roomies. I'll hopefully be back soon.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Hard to forget hate
I want to apologize for this post being very jumbled.
I hate hate. Kind of hypocritical, but it's true. There are people I really don't like, and people that I know don't like me. I wish we could all be best friends. I have had so many "best friends", a lot of them are gone now. But I guess we need to suck it up and move on right? that's what everyone tells us to do our whole lives. so why is it so hard? and why does it hurt so much? I hate having to let go of people, no matter how much they hurt me. Why are we told to forget, even when some of our best memories are from those people you almost forget about sometimes. then randomly something happens, and they pop back into your head and you know you can't forget. That you will never forget. Because no matter how much they hurt you or you hurt them, there is still a sliver of something in you that doesn't want to let go, or forget, or move on. and why is it so hard to tell people how you feel. Sometimes you stop talking to people because of a fight, and sometimes you just drift apart.
There are so many people I miss that i want back, so why don't I reach out to them? It's because I'm afraid. Afraid of bringing up too many painful memories, afraid of rejection, and judgement, and so much else. But why should I not still go for it? You never know if you don't try. The worst regrets are always the things you don't do.
I guess I just want to know that those people that i hurt so much don't hate me. and I want to apologize and be forgiven. I want everything back to the way it was, before all the pain, and anger, and hate.
I hate hate. Kind of hypocritical, but it's true. There are people I really don't like, and people that I know don't like me. I wish we could all be best friends. I have had so many "best friends", a lot of them are gone now. But I guess we need to suck it up and move on right? that's what everyone tells us to do our whole lives. so why is it so hard? and why does it hurt so much? I hate having to let go of people, no matter how much they hurt me. Why are we told to forget, even when some of our best memories are from those people you almost forget about sometimes. then randomly something happens, and they pop back into your head and you know you can't forget. That you will never forget. Because no matter how much they hurt you or you hurt them, there is still a sliver of something in you that doesn't want to let go, or forget, or move on. and why is it so hard to tell people how you feel. Sometimes you stop talking to people because of a fight, and sometimes you just drift apart.
There are so many people I miss that i want back, so why don't I reach out to them? It's because I'm afraid. Afraid of bringing up too many painful memories, afraid of rejection, and judgement, and so much else. But why should I not still go for it? You never know if you don't try. The worst regrets are always the things you don't do.
I guess I just want to know that those people that i hurt so much don't hate me. and I want to apologize and be forgiven. I want everything back to the way it was, before all the pain, and anger, and hate.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
3rd Wheel (or 5th)
Fist off let me say I'm sorry for not posting in a while, I just haven't had anything to say. Secondly, I don't mean for any of this to sound like complaining, I'm just saying what's on my mind.
I just have to express my hatred for always being the odd one out. Being the third wheel is not fun, especially when watching movies. Everyone else has a cuddle buddy, I want one. I hate looking around and seeing couples everywhere. Honestly it kind of sucks. I've decided that I need a boyfriend, or better yet a husband.
I just want to get married already. I'm not going to get married until I am positive that hes the one I want to spend the rest of forever with. I can't wait until I find that person. When you get married you have someone that will always be there for you. Someone to tell everything to. Someone to always cuddle with. Someone to do everything with. Someone you can be yourself around and knowing that they aren't going to judge you. You know that they will never leave you, that they trust you, that they are going to be truthful to you. You have a best friend. I want that so bad, I miss having someone even remotely close to that.
I just have to express my hatred for always being the odd one out. Being the third wheel is not fun, especially when watching movies. Everyone else has a cuddle buddy, I want one. I hate looking around and seeing couples everywhere. Honestly it kind of sucks. I've decided that I need a boyfriend, or better yet a husband.
I just want to get married already. I'm not going to get married until I am positive that hes the one I want to spend the rest of forever with. I can't wait until I find that person. When you get married you have someone that will always be there for you. Someone to tell everything to. Someone to always cuddle with. Someone to do everything with. Someone you can be yourself around and knowing that they aren't going to judge you. You know that they will never leave you, that they trust you, that they are going to be truthful to you. You have a best friend. I want that so bad, I miss having someone even remotely close to that.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Love
Those 7 weeks I went without messing up was during the time I was dating someone I still care for very much. For this I will call him T. I'm going to briefly tell what happened between us. I'm only talking about him and not all the other stuff that was happening. My senior year of high school T and I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance in November together. It was girls choice and I asked him because we were friends, and I thought it would be fun to go with him. Over Christmas break I found out he liked me, and I kinda liked him also.
We watched a movie at his house, and held hands and cuddled. It was great. I thought that if he ever found out about my porn problem he would hate me, and would never speak to me again. Let me also mention that we were in....we'll call it a club...together, and would be until mid April. So that would be the most awkward thing ever if he stopped talking to me. I knew I had to tell him before things got serious. We were really good friends by then and I felt like I could go to him with basically anything. I told him and he didn't talk to me for a day or so, but everything worked out and about two weeks later we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Dating him was the best, hardest, and worst thing all at the same time. During that time we were dating, he helped me more than he knows. I went 7 weeks without messing up while we were dating. I can't remember the day I messed up, but something bad must have been going on. I told him and he just encouraged me to keep moving forward.
Some random stuff I want to mention:
1.Both of us belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints aka we're Mormons. He wanted to serve a mission for our church, most young men do.
2.He gave me his marshmallow coat that I loved and wore everyday.
3.He wrote down our story, and I gave it back because I wanted him to make it more accurate, to go into more detail.
4.He told me he loved me, and I never told him I loved him back. I wanted to be sure I loved him, and I never was. There were a lot of moments where I thought I was. I just...I don't know. I have many mixed feelings and emotions towards him.
We were best friends, I could tell him anything. He is the only one who knows absolutely every thing about me. He knows me best out of everyone in the whole world. I broke him. I broke up with him. I loved him and I crushed him. The day we broke up, we had just gotten back from one of our....club events. He had a meeting afterwards, and I had to wait for him. I waited for an hour. When he got out of his meeting we walked to our cars together. He knew something was up and he asked me about it. I told him that I wanted to break up for these reasons:
1. I felt bad that he loved me and openly said it everyday, and I couldn't say it back.
2. I felt like my addiction was holding him back. I wanted him to be with someone he deserved.
3. I didn't want him to be with me until I had stopped with porn.
4. I can't go to our temple, and he can. He wanted to go on a mission, and I felt like I was holding him back from achieving that goal.
There are a couple more small reasons, but those are the main ones. He didn't talk to me for a week. when we were dating he would always give my best friend Lex and I a hug before leaving. After we broke up, he still gave her hugs, but I didn't get them. I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but every time he gave her a hug I would have to leave because it crushed me that she got hugs and I didn't. They were friends before we started going out, so I didn't think it was fair to ask her to stop being his friend just cause we weren't talking.
After a week of not talking he came to me and said he needed to talk to me in private. So we went for a drive. The whole time we were dating he told me he had depression issues (which makes sense if you know him). On this drive he told me that wasn't true and that in reality it was something different. (I can't say what it was, because I promised I would never tell). He also told me that he told his parents about my porn addiction. I was so upset with him for doing that. He lied to me about something huge for two months, while we were dating, and then he told his parents my biggest secret that he promised not to tell anyone. I hated him for it. I didn't talk to him for over a week.
I finally forgave him, and told him I still wanted to be friends. This was the hard part because I was almost certain I loved him when we broke up, and I still know I have very strong feelings for him. We slowly became best friends again, and he gained my trust.
In august we started having fights, all of which were oriented around my addiction. I told him about the sexting and that's what finally made him crack. He couldn't be friends and help someone as broken as I am. We haven't talked since mid-August.
On September 22nd I went to his mission farewell. I knew he probably didn't want to see me, but I didn't want to regret not going for the rest of my life. It was the most awkward thing ever. He said one word to me, only because I was standing in a circle with some of our other friends.
He is now in New Zealand and will be for the next two years. I miss him. I wish he was here so i could talk to him. I want him to know how sorry I am for what I put him through. I am so proud of him for making the choice to serve a mission. If he ever wants to be my friend in any way again, I'm here waiting. I miss you.
We watched a movie at his house, and held hands and cuddled. It was great. I thought that if he ever found out about my porn problem he would hate me, and would never speak to me again. Let me also mention that we were in....we'll call it a club...together, and would be until mid April. So that would be the most awkward thing ever if he stopped talking to me. I knew I had to tell him before things got serious. We were really good friends by then and I felt like I could go to him with basically anything. I told him and he didn't talk to me for a day or so, but everything worked out and about two weeks later we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Dating him was the best, hardest, and worst thing all at the same time. During that time we were dating, he helped me more than he knows. I went 7 weeks without messing up while we were dating. I can't remember the day I messed up, but something bad must have been going on. I told him and he just encouraged me to keep moving forward.
Some random stuff I want to mention:
1.Both of us belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints aka we're Mormons. He wanted to serve a mission for our church, most young men do.
2.He gave me his marshmallow coat that I loved and wore everyday.
3.He wrote down our story, and I gave it back because I wanted him to make it more accurate, to go into more detail.
4.He told me he loved me, and I never told him I loved him back. I wanted to be sure I loved him, and I never was. There were a lot of moments where I thought I was. I just...I don't know. I have many mixed feelings and emotions towards him.
We were best friends, I could tell him anything. He is the only one who knows absolutely every thing about me. He knows me best out of everyone in the whole world. I broke him. I broke up with him. I loved him and I crushed him. The day we broke up, we had just gotten back from one of our....club events. He had a meeting afterwards, and I had to wait for him. I waited for an hour. When he got out of his meeting we walked to our cars together. He knew something was up and he asked me about it. I told him that I wanted to break up for these reasons:
1. I felt bad that he loved me and openly said it everyday, and I couldn't say it back.
2. I felt like my addiction was holding him back. I wanted him to be with someone he deserved.
3. I didn't want him to be with me until I had stopped with porn.
4. I can't go to our temple, and he can. He wanted to go on a mission, and I felt like I was holding him back from achieving that goal.
There are a couple more small reasons, but those are the main ones. He didn't talk to me for a week. when we were dating he would always give my best friend Lex and I a hug before leaving. After we broke up, he still gave her hugs, but I didn't get them. I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but every time he gave her a hug I would have to leave because it crushed me that she got hugs and I didn't. They were friends before we started going out, so I didn't think it was fair to ask her to stop being his friend just cause we weren't talking.
After a week of not talking he came to me and said he needed to talk to me in private. So we went for a drive. The whole time we were dating he told me he had depression issues (which makes sense if you know him). On this drive he told me that wasn't true and that in reality it was something different. (I can't say what it was, because I promised I would never tell). He also told me that he told his parents about my porn addiction. I was so upset with him for doing that. He lied to me about something huge for two months, while we were dating, and then he told his parents my biggest secret that he promised not to tell anyone. I hated him for it. I didn't talk to him for over a week.
I finally forgave him, and told him I still wanted to be friends. This was the hard part because I was almost certain I loved him when we broke up, and I still know I have very strong feelings for him. We slowly became best friends again, and he gained my trust.
In august we started having fights, all of which were oriented around my addiction. I told him about the sexting and that's what finally made him crack. He couldn't be friends and help someone as broken as I am. We haven't talked since mid-August.
On September 22nd I went to his mission farewell. I knew he probably didn't want to see me, but I didn't want to regret not going for the rest of my life. It was the most awkward thing ever. He said one word to me, only because I was standing in a circle with some of our other friends.
He is now in New Zealand and will be for the next two years. I miss him. I wish he was here so i could talk to him. I want him to know how sorry I am for what I put him through. I am so proud of him for making the choice to serve a mission. If he ever wants to be my friend in any way again, I'm here waiting. I miss you.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
My Addiction
This is hard for me to admit. I'm addicted to pornography. I have been for the last three-ish years. . The longest I have gone without viewing it during that time was seven weeks.I have also been sexting for about four and a half months. I honestly love it. I know it's wrong, and I should stop, but I just can't. I know it's hurting everyone around me and destroying my life. It makes no sense. I guess I'm only mentioning this because I feel like everyone knows already. In a way I want everyone to know, and in a way I hope no one finds out. I have told eleven people, half of which I don't talk to anymore. I also know of five people that are addicted to it also (some of those were people I told).
Life is hard, tough, and crappy, but it can also be enjoyable, crazy, and fun. Everyone makes mistakes. But you can always try harder, you can always do better, there's always room for improvement. People forgive, and people forget, but there seems to always be a limit. It's perfectly fine to make mistakes, as long as you try your very best not to make it again, if you slip get back up and try harder because you weren't trying hard enough the first time.
Life is hard, tough, and crappy, but it can also be enjoyable, crazy, and fun. Everyone makes mistakes. But you can always try harder, you can always do better, there's always room for improvement. People forgive, and people forget, but there seems to always be a limit. It's perfectly fine to make mistakes, as long as you try your very best not to make it again, if you slip get back up and try harder because you weren't trying hard enough the first time.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Me
I hope to post at least once a week. This is just a place for me to get my mind off things. I want to start off by saying that none of my personal information will be posted. If you have a question or comment leave it in the comment box and i will do my best to reply.
I have lived in two states. I am eighteen and currently attending college. I have four siblings, I guess you could say a perfectly normal family.
I am warning you now, some of my posts might be somewhat inappropriate. If you cant handle it, leave now. I don't want to offend anyone, and I am sorry if I do. Please let me know, so that i can try to not make the same mistake.
Everything I post is to help me think. It is my thoughts and actions. Everything is as true and accurate as I can get it. Share your opinion if you want, I would love to hear it.
This was just for me to get started and to introduce myself to you a little bit. My Imperfectness will be revealed more so next time.
I have lived in two states. I am eighteen and currently attending college. I have four siblings, I guess you could say a perfectly normal family.
I am warning you now, some of my posts might be somewhat inappropriate. If you cant handle it, leave now. I don't want to offend anyone, and I am sorry if I do. Please let me know, so that i can try to not make the same mistake.
Everything I post is to help me think. It is my thoughts and actions. Everything is as true and accurate as I can get it. Share your opinion if you want, I would love to hear it.
This was just for me to get started and to introduce myself to you a little bit. My Imperfectness will be revealed more so next time.
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