Those 7 weeks I went without messing up was during the time I was dating someone I still care for very much. For this I will call him T. I'm going to briefly tell what happened between us. I'm only talking about him and not all the other stuff that was happening. My senior year of high school T and I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance in November together. It was girls choice and I asked him because we were friends, and I thought it would be fun to go with him. Over Christmas break I found out he liked me, and I kinda liked him also.
We watched a movie at his house, and held hands and cuddled. It was great. I thought that if he ever found out about my porn problem he would hate me, and would never speak to me again. Let me also mention that we were in....we'll call it a club...together, and would be until mid April. So that would be the most awkward thing ever if he stopped talking to me. I knew I had to tell him before things got serious. We were really good friends by then and I felt like I could go to him with basically anything. I told him and he didn't talk to me for a day or so, but everything worked out and about two weeks later we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Dating him was the best, hardest, and worst thing all at the same time. During that time we were dating, he helped me more than he knows. I went 7 weeks without messing up while we were dating. I can't remember the day I messed up, but something bad must have been going on. I told him and he just encouraged me to keep moving forward.
Some random stuff I want to mention:
1.Both of us belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints aka we're Mormons. He wanted to serve a mission for our church, most young men do.
2.He gave me his marshmallow coat that I loved and wore everyday.
3.He wrote down our story, and I gave it back because I wanted him to make it more accurate, to go into more detail.
4.He told me he loved me, and I never told him I loved him back. I wanted to be sure I loved him, and I never was. There were a lot of moments where I thought I was. I just...I don't know. I have many mixed feelings and emotions towards him.
We were best friends, I could tell him anything. He is the only one who knows absolutely every thing about me. He knows me best out of everyone in the whole world. I broke him. I broke up with him. I loved him and I crushed him. The day we broke up, we had just gotten back from one of our....club events. He had a meeting afterwards, and I had to wait for him. I waited for an hour. When he got out of his meeting we walked to our cars together. He knew something was up and he asked me about it. I told him that I wanted to break up for these reasons:
1. I felt bad that he loved me and openly said it everyday, and I couldn't say it back.
2. I felt like my addiction was holding him back. I wanted him to be with someone he deserved.
3. I didn't want him to be with me until I had stopped with porn.
4. I can't go to our temple, and he can. He wanted to go on a mission, and I felt like I was holding him back from achieving that goal.
There are a couple more small reasons, but those are the main ones. He didn't talk to me for a week. when we were dating he would always give my best friend Lex and I a hug before leaving. After we broke up, he still gave her hugs, but I didn't get them. I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but every time he gave her a hug I would have to leave because it crushed me that she got hugs and I didn't. They were friends before we started going out, so I didn't think it was fair to ask her to stop being his friend just cause we weren't talking.
After a week of not talking he came to me and said he needed to talk to me in private. So we went for a drive. The whole time we were dating he told me he had depression issues (which makes sense if you know him). On this drive he told me that wasn't true and that in reality it was something different. (I can't say what it was, because I promised I would never tell). He also told me that he told his parents about my porn addiction. I was so upset with him for doing that. He lied to me about something huge for two months, while we were dating, and then he told his parents my biggest secret that he promised not to tell anyone. I hated him for it. I didn't talk to him for over a week.
I finally forgave him, and told him I still wanted to be friends. This was the hard part because I was almost certain I loved him when we broke up, and I still know I have very strong feelings for him. We slowly became best friends again, and he gained my trust.
In august we started having fights, all of which were oriented around my addiction. I told him about the sexting and that's what finally made him crack. He couldn't be friends and help someone as broken as I am. We haven't talked since mid-August.
On September 22nd I went to his mission farewell. I knew he probably didn't want to see me, but I didn't want to regret not going for the rest of my life. It was the most awkward thing ever. He said one word to me, only because I was standing in a circle with some of our other friends.
He is now in New Zealand and will be for the next two years. I miss him. I wish he was here so i could talk to him. I want him to know how sorry I am for what I put him through. I am so proud of him for making the choice to serve a mission. If he ever wants to be my friend in any way again, I'm here waiting. I miss you.
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