A Letter I Never Sent

This is a letter I never sent to T. I wrote it about 5 months ago.
Its 5 AM right now and I can't sleep. I slept for maybe 3 hours and now my mind is wide awake even though my body wants me to go back to bed. Its a bad night. My demons are really out to get me. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I always feel really guilty telling you this stuff while your on your mission because I don't want to freak you out or distract you. I'm probably telling you because you won't even see this for like 6 days so I know I won't get an immediate response

You know how I shake really bad sometimes? I don't know if you remember that about me or not :) but you should see me right now. I never know how to calm myself down when I get like this. 

I just really need you here and I am literally counting down the days until you get back. (106 in case you were wondering).

I know i'm rambling instead of saying what I want to but I can't tell you all the thoughts rushing around inside me trying to break free through my fingers. Let's just say it's a good thing I finally have therapy again tomorrow. 

Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it until you get back, but that's my goal for now. 

If your going to read this it needs your full attention not half-hearted skimming. I just had some really bad thoughts overwhelm me earlier and that's why i got on to talk to you. Basically they consisted of a suicide note, me taking a million pills, Ash finding me, me in the hospital, and everyone's reactions. It's kind of what i want right now. There's a quote that says: " You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." In this case I think its 20 seconds of insane stupidity, and something I probably don't really want will come of it. 

If i go through with it I know what people will say. Things like how selfish I'm being, how i didn't think of anyone else. That is the exact opposite of what people should think. and isn't it selfish of them for thinking it was selfish of me, for only thinking about themselves and how I left them here? If I go through with it, it's not selfish (ok maybe it is to a point), because they are right, I am thinking about myself, but sometimes you need to start thinking about yourself instead of everyone around you. and don't you think for one second that i didn't think about all those people I'm leaving, that's what has been holding me off for so long. But don't you also think its ridiculous to have people push you so far that you want to kill yourself, that you think its better to be dead than continue with this fog you call life. i think its so awful that society/ people in general can make someone feel that shitty about themselves. That's whats sad, think about that the next time you say something to someone.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own little world, zoning out all the time. Like I'm living in a dream, and i'm just waiting for someone to shout "WAKE UP, WAKE UP" How can people be so oblivious that they can't see all the turmoil going on inside of someone else. Or be so involved with things and activities that they can't stop for one second and actually be concerned and listen to someone who really needs them to care. They just need one person to care enough to listen and be there for them and say, "Hey i know things are really tough for you right now, and can see your struggling, but you are strong enough to get through this. If you need help you can come to me anytime you want, and I will drop what I'm doing and ill be here for you. And if you need more help than what I can offer, we can get that for you too." We need more people like that, than the self-absorbed kind of people this world is offering.  

     Wow. It's been almost a year. After looking back at my old posts I just wanted to cry. Its really hard to read those things about anyone, and knowing that I said them myself is horrible. Life is still hard. There will always be rough days and i just haven't quite learned how to cope yet.
      Here is a little update. I have new job. I am basically a chauffeur. I drive this kid to his dance lessons and sit there and read my books. Its great, but can also be really boring. Things with my mom have gotten better, they aren't great, but they're better. Therapy is hard but it helps.
     There is so much I want to say, but its late (or early depending on how you look at it 1:52 AM).
I have all these thought jumbled up in my brain and i don't know how to put them into words. Its hard to write about all that's happened in almost a year. So i'll just say this: Keep a journal. It can be a blog or a diary or whatever you want. But record your life and no matter how dull it seems, believe me its not.