Bi?

Am I bi?

This is something that I first got an inkling of thinking about probably around five years ago, but have been thinking about A LOT for about the last six months. I don't know how to know for sure because I haven't had any experience (besides cuddling) with either gender, and I don't think I really can know until I do. I expressed this feeling to four of my really close friends back in December. Two of them took it really well. One of them was fine with it but had a lot of questions. The fourth, who is T (I have mentioned him before) took it not very well at all.
This is what I said to all of them:
 I think I am bisexual. Then they all asked me why I thought that, so I said.
 I was talking about it to someone else (anonymously) and they said that if the thought of making out/ having sex with a girl doesn't gross me out then I probably am. That's the simplest way to explain it without going into every thing.
T expressed all of his thoughts and opinions and I think we both had a go at each other a little bit and said some hurtful things ( I kind of want to post the whole convo, but I think that's a little too personal) and now I have only talked to T once since then. I wish it wasn't so hard to reach out to him, but I am afraid of that he is uncomfortable with the situation and doesn't want anything to do with me.

I don't know how I would ever come out to my parents who are very religious in our church. I feel like they would act the same way T did.

I still think I am and I find myself watching videos with titles like "When a girl is confused about her sexuality". I am honestly just so confused and don't know what to do. I just wish I was brave enough and confident enough to approach a boy or girl and start up a conversation that eventually leads to a relationship. I am so sick and tired of being alone all the time.

A Letter I Never Sent

This is a letter I never sent to T. I wrote it about 5 months ago.
Its 5 AM right now and I can't sleep. I slept for maybe 3 hours and now my mind is wide awake even though my body wants me to go back to bed. Its a bad night. My demons are really out to get me. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I always feel really guilty telling you this stuff while your on your mission because I don't want to freak you out or distract you. I'm probably telling you because you won't even see this for like 6 days so I know I won't get an immediate response

You know how I shake really bad sometimes? I don't know if you remember that about me or not :) but you should see me right now. I never know how to calm myself down when I get like this. 

I just really need you here and I am literally counting down the days until you get back. (106 in case you were wondering).

I know i'm rambling instead of saying what I want to but I can't tell you all the thoughts rushing around inside me trying to break free through my fingers. Let's just say it's a good thing I finally have therapy again tomorrow. 

Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it until you get back, but that's my goal for now. 

If your going to read this it needs your full attention not half-hearted skimming. I just had some really bad thoughts overwhelm me earlier and that's why i got on to talk to you. Basically they consisted of a suicide note, me taking a million pills, Ash finding me, me in the hospital, and everyone's reactions. It's kind of what i want right now. There's a quote that says: " You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." In this case I think its 20 seconds of insane stupidity, and something I probably don't really want will come of it. 

If i go through with it I know what people will say. Things like how selfish I'm being, how i didn't think of anyone else. That is the exact opposite of what people should think. and isn't it selfish of them for thinking it was selfish of me, for only thinking about themselves and how I left them here? If I go through with it, it's not selfish (ok maybe it is to a point), because they are right, I am thinking about myself, but sometimes you need to start thinking about yourself instead of everyone around you. and don't you think for one second that i didn't think about all those people I'm leaving, that's what has been holding me off for so long. But don't you also think its ridiculous to have people push you so far that you want to kill yourself, that you think its better to be dead than continue with this fog you call life. i think its so awful that society/ people in general can make someone feel that shitty about themselves. That's whats sad, think about that the next time you say something to someone.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own little world, zoning out all the time. Like I'm living in a dream, and i'm just waiting for someone to shout "WAKE UP, WAKE UP" How can people be so oblivious that they can't see all the turmoil going on inside of someone else. Or be so involved with things and activities that they can't stop for one second and actually be concerned and listen to someone who really needs them to care. They just need one person to care enough to listen and be there for them and say, "Hey i know things are really tough for you right now, and can see your struggling, but you are strong enough to get through this. If you need help you can come to me anytime you want, and I will drop what I'm doing and ill be here for you. And if you need more help than what I can offer, we can get that for you too." We need more people like that, than the self-absorbed kind of people this world is offering.  

     Wow. It's been almost a year. After looking back at my old posts I just wanted to cry. Its really hard to read those things about anyone, and knowing that I said them myself is horrible. Life is still hard. There will always be rough days and i just haven't quite learned how to cope yet.
      Here is a little update. I have new job. I am basically a chauffeur. I drive this kid to his dance lessons and sit there and read my books. Its great, but can also be really boring. Things with my mom have gotten better, they aren't great, but they're better. Therapy is hard but it helps.
     There is so much I want to say, but its late (or early depending on how you look at it 1:52 AM).
I have all these thought jumbled up in my brain and i don't know how to put them into words. Its hard to write about all that's happened in almost a year. So i'll just say this: Keep a journal. It can be a blog or a diary or whatever you want. But record your life and no matter how dull it seems, believe me its not.

Mother's Day and More

     Well as you should know, it's Mother's Day. Everyone on every social media site is posting cute things about their mom's. How much they love them, thanking them, etc. I didn't. I don't have a good relationship with my mom at all. I am grateful that she feed me and took care of me and treated me ok, but to be honest she didn't do much more than that. I can't honestly say that I love her. Hugging her is super awkward. I wish she would stop trying to fix things between us, its too late. I'm not going to let her in.
     I started seeing a, for lack of a better word, therapist. She is very church oriented. She told me I have PTSD, depression, and abandonment issues. My mom takes me to these and my best friend Ash sits in the room with me. This woman is helping both of us. I think my mom wants to be in the room too, but she doesn't understand that she can't and never can. She ruined that for herself a long time ago.
     I am sure I loved my mom and thought she was the best thing ever when I was little, but I don't remember much of that. I only remember her criticizing and judging and yelling and punishing. Everyone says its her job to do that kind of stuff, but that doesn't mean she had to do it the way she did. Some of you might think I'm being to harsh on her and I don't understand. Maybe your right but for now shes going to be treated the same way she treated me for most of my life, ignored.
     I know she wants to help me and wants to fix things between us. But for now I have to do this on my own. Maybe someday she can be let back in. Sorry Mom.

Pushover

I am so sick and tired of always being a pushover. I'm one of those people that if someone asks me to do something and I don't want to or even if I know I can't, I will almost always end up giving in. I don't like "standing up for myself" because I don't want to be rude to the other person. I don't want them to be mad at me. But sometimes I do have things I need to get done and can't worry about others. I am sick of people thinking they can say whatever they want to me, and them treating me like they are in charge of me. I'm not going to put up with it anymore.
     I got enough of this shit from my family and old friends and tried to eliminate it and now its all just coming back. I never realize I chose friends like that until its too late. It makes me afraid that I can't find friends who will treat me right and respect me. From now on I'm going to stand up for myself and tell people when they are treating me in a way I don't like.

Moments

The other day I met Alex Boye. He was so nice to me considering I interrupted his grocery shopping. It was probably the best moment in my entire life. It made me realize something that I always knew, but it just kind of hit me. Life has millions of good and bad moments. Many people don't remember days, they remember moments. The way certain things made them feel. Little conversations. And lots more. Life is about the little things, and for some people it's just not quite enough.
     Even though I have had a couple of really good days the past couple of weeks, there is still a lot going on that is bad or stressful or whatever. Most days I still don't want to live. I know I'm going to flunk this semester of college. My parents and i had an agreement that if I got straight A's every semester they would pay for the first two years. That's not happening this semester. Somehow I have to tell my mom that I just want to work this summer and next fall to save up money for a car, a phone, and college. I know she will be pissed at me for failing but I hope somehow that doesn't come up. She's going to be so mad at me and I''m avoiding that conversation for as long as I possibly can.
     My work is super stressful. The owner of the restaurant is so dumb and shouldn't run a business. She needs to promote me to night manager already and raise my pay to $9/hr. I have worked there for almost 9 months now. I am so tempted to quit but her restaurant would be screwed without me.
     Its getting more and more tempting to just pop those pills and be done with everything. I think the only reason I haven't yet is because of the people I will leave behind. I know what its like to be one of those people and it is the worst ever. I would never want to do that to someone, but I would like to think that they would understand and wouldn't want me to be as miserable as I am. But I promise that's not what your thinking when your best friend attempts/commits suicide.
     I just want to point out that I'm not saying all this to get sympathy or have someone try to make things better for me. It's just that sometimes I need to vent all my thoughts and feeling to someone/something, and it's easiest this way because I can get out all my thoughts without being interrupted or forgetting what it was that I exactly wanted to say.

I don't know what to title this :)

So part of the reason I'm failing my classes is because I don't go to them. I don't go because I know that even if I got a one hundred on everything else in the classes I would still get a D/F. So that makes me think, What's the point?
      I think part of the reason i don't sleep at night is because my sleeping schedule has gotten off. So instead of sleeping from 11AM-7PM, I sleep from 4/5 AM- 12/2 PM. I don't really know how to fix that but it's kind of important. The other reason I don't sleep is because of my ridiculously loud roommates. One of them has a boyfriend over all hours of the night and they watch their movies super loud. It doesn't help that my room is right next to the living room. The girl I share a room with snores.... Really loud. (I know you read these so I'm sorry if i offend you). I know there is nothing she can do to help it, but it keeps me up. I was blasting my music and could still hear her last night, aka three loud things. So I turned off my music and waited it out.
       My thoughts are really bad some days, like yesterday. Other days they are super good, like Tuesday. Tuesday I went a super fun adventure with my friends, in short we got chocolate and saw a zebra. Yesterday I just kept thinking of how easy it would be to take a whole bunch of pills and just end it. I don't think I would ever be brave enough or selfish enough to do it, but lately...I don't know. Its just sounds too easy.