Mother's Day and More

     Well as you should know, it's Mother's Day. Everyone on every social media site is posting cute things about their mom's. How much they love them, thanking them, etc. I didn't. I don't have a good relationship with my mom at all. I am grateful that she feed me and took care of me and treated me ok, but to be honest she didn't do much more than that. I can't honestly say that I love her. Hugging her is super awkward. I wish she would stop trying to fix things between us, its too late. I'm not going to let her in.
     I started seeing a, for lack of a better word, therapist. She is very church oriented. She told me I have PTSD, depression, and abandonment issues. My mom takes me to these and my best friend Ash sits in the room with me. This woman is helping both of us. I think my mom wants to be in the room too, but she doesn't understand that she can't and never can. She ruined that for herself a long time ago.
     I am sure I loved my mom and thought she was the best thing ever when I was little, but I don't remember much of that. I only remember her criticizing and judging and yelling and punishing. Everyone says its her job to do that kind of stuff, but that doesn't mean she had to do it the way she did. Some of you might think I'm being to harsh on her and I don't understand. Maybe your right but for now shes going to be treated the same way she treated me for most of my life, ignored.
     I know she wants to help me and wants to fix things between us. But for now I have to do this on my own. Maybe someday she can be let back in. Sorry Mom.

Pushover

I am so sick and tired of always being a pushover. I'm one of those people that if someone asks me to do something and I don't want to or even if I know I can't, I will almost always end up giving in. I don't like "standing up for myself" because I don't want to be rude to the other person. I don't want them to be mad at me. But sometimes I do have things I need to get done and can't worry about others. I am sick of people thinking they can say whatever they want to me, and them treating me like they are in charge of me. I'm not going to put up with it anymore.
     I got enough of this shit from my family and old friends and tried to eliminate it and now its all just coming back. I never realize I chose friends like that until its too late. It makes me afraid that I can't find friends who will treat me right and respect me. From now on I'm going to stand up for myself and tell people when they are treating me in a way I don't like.

Moments

The other day I met Alex Boye. He was so nice to me considering I interrupted his grocery shopping. It was probably the best moment in my entire life. It made me realize something that I always knew, but it just kind of hit me. Life has millions of good and bad moments. Many people don't remember days, they remember moments. The way certain things made them feel. Little conversations. And lots more. Life is about the little things, and for some people it's just not quite enough.
     Even though I have had a couple of really good days the past couple of weeks, there is still a lot going on that is bad or stressful or whatever. Most days I still don't want to live. I know I'm going to flunk this semester of college. My parents and i had an agreement that if I got straight A's every semester they would pay for the first two years. That's not happening this semester. Somehow I have to tell my mom that I just want to work this summer and next fall to save up money for a car, a phone, and college. I know she will be pissed at me for failing but I hope somehow that doesn't come up. She's going to be so mad at me and I''m avoiding that conversation for as long as I possibly can.
     My work is super stressful. The owner of the restaurant is so dumb and shouldn't run a business. She needs to promote me to night manager already and raise my pay to $9/hr. I have worked there for almost 9 months now. I am so tempted to quit but her restaurant would be screwed without me.
     Its getting more and more tempting to just pop those pills and be done with everything. I think the only reason I haven't yet is because of the people I will leave behind. I know what its like to be one of those people and it is the worst ever. I would never want to do that to someone, but I would like to think that they would understand and wouldn't want me to be as miserable as I am. But I promise that's not what your thinking when your best friend attempts/commits suicide.
     I just want to point out that I'm not saying all this to get sympathy or have someone try to make things better for me. It's just that sometimes I need to vent all my thoughts and feeling to someone/something, and it's easiest this way because I can get out all my thoughts without being interrupted or forgetting what it was that I exactly wanted to say.

I don't know what to title this :)

So part of the reason I'm failing my classes is because I don't go to them. I don't go because I know that even if I got a one hundred on everything else in the classes I would still get a D/F. So that makes me think, What's the point?
      I think part of the reason i don't sleep at night is because my sleeping schedule has gotten off. So instead of sleeping from 11AM-7PM, I sleep from 4/5 AM- 12/2 PM. I don't really know how to fix that but it's kind of important. The other reason I don't sleep is because of my ridiculously loud roommates. One of them has a boyfriend over all hours of the night and they watch their movies super loud. It doesn't help that my room is right next to the living room. The girl I share a room with snores.... Really loud. (I know you read these so I'm sorry if i offend you). I know there is nothing she can do to help it, but it keeps me up. I was blasting my music and could still hear her last night, aka three loud things. So I turned off my music and waited it out.
       My thoughts are really bad some days, like yesterday. Other days they are super good, like Tuesday. Tuesday I went a super fun adventure with my friends, in short we got chocolate and saw a zebra. Yesterday I just kept thinking of how easy it would be to take a whole bunch of pills and just end it. I don't think I would ever be brave enough or selfish enough to do it, but lately...I don't know. Its just sounds too easy.

Bad Thoughts

After I told my best friend quite honestly how I am doing lately she told me that I should go see a doctor about depression. I have been think I have depression, anxiety, or PTSD, but I thought I was just over reacting.
     She told me to tell her what's going on and this is what I said: Life. I just haven't had motivation to do anything lately. I only got out of bed today to eat and use the restroom. I hate school, work, my apartment, and half of my "friends". I am failing all five of my college classes and they end in a month. My parents only pay for it if I get straight A's, so now I think what's the point in trying. I've had really bad anxiety the last month or so. I've had 3 nightmares the last few weeks that have all woken me up from my sleep and kept me afraid from sleeping the rest of the night. They were all about me dying. It's weird that I even have nightmares considering I have rarely been able to remember any dream for a long time.  T has emailed me once the last 2 months, and I still haven't gotten his package. I don't go to church because I don't see the point if i'm not living it and don't believe half of what they say. I'm always exhausted and in physical pain. I am just done. There are days when I have really bad thuoghts and I just want them to go away but ther's' nothing I can do and no one I can talk to about it. I'm just in a bad spot right now, but it has to end eventually. right?
     That's my life right now and I hate it. I'm sorry I always complain on here, but there's not really anyone I can go to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate who I've become and don't even know who I am anymore. I have given up. I'm done.

Car Accident

today I skipped school and went to IHOP.It was national pancake day. on my way home I got in a car accident.

 I went into shock, i am still really shaken up. my friend ashley was in the car with me. I feel bad for her to have to see me freak out like that and watch the whole thing happen. It was like it was slow motion. I can't even describe it. My shoulder/neck area, and knee hurt. I don't want to go to the hospital though. I cried for like a good 10 minutes when i went into shock, and i've been crying off and on since then. I got home and just broke down in my room for a good 20 min. I am in a really weird mood and don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep. 

Breann

One of my very dear friends Breann passed away on Tuesday and I just learned about it today. this is just a little shout out to her.
       Thank you for being such a great friend to me these last few years. You helped me a ton in class and made it enjoyable along with a few other people. I loved all those times we hung out and i'm sorry for all those times we didn't. We should have made plans to hang out sooner. You will be greatly missed here. You are one of the kindest most selfless people I know. I don't think I ever saw you angry or heard you talk bad about anyone. You are an amazing spirit. You were taken away for a reason and I hope you are in a better place and happier than you ever were here (if that's possible). I miss you and love you. See you soon. Love, me

Update

I'm sorry if anyone actually reads or follows my little blog. It has been about 4 months since I last wrote so here is a little update. I have been writing to T about my life so I'm just going to put little snippets of them here to fill you guys in on my life lately. (the stuff in italics was from an email)
December 8th: This was my sisters birthday. It was also the day T told me he was going to send me a package. Today I almost didn't go to Relief Society, I only did because there was a Munch and Mingle after church. I am so so so glad I did. i felt like it was just for me. The teacher, amber, said that at the last minute she changed her lesson. By the end I was holding back tears. The closing hymn was I need thee every hour. I couldn't sing, I ran out of there and cried in the bathroom really hard for about 10 min. I haven't had an experience like that in a very long time. It was so powerful. 
It was my sister's birthday today, and i went to my house and was reminded of how much I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE. my roommate says that i'm racist against white people :) I was also reminded of how much my family gets on my nerves. I think i was paired with them to learn patience.
December 29th: I was sick half of last week and most of this week, i still have a really bad cough but i feel a ton better than I did. School starts again next week bleh I am not excited.

My best friend/ room mate is in Brazil and won' t be back until the 8th. her being gone couldn't go by slower.

I'm going to lexy's for new years eve, i'm super stoked about it.

January 1st:so its exactly 2:11 on Jan 1st 2014 here and i'm sitting on my couch emailing you....kinda pathetic huh. I'm basically going to vent to you about my night now. So I had 4 parties I was invited to.:

1. Kinz's 6-after midnight

2. tanner's 7-after midnight

3. a great gatsby themed party 9-after midnight $15

4. the school party 9-2 (supposedly) $10
I told Kinz I couldn't do to hers cause there was too much other stuff I had to go to. 

We decided against going to the Great Gatsby one because it was too expensive to go to both parties.

My room mate was planning on having me be her buddy to go to the last 2 (shes a party animal) I promised i would go with her and band buddies were counting on me to go to tanner's

The Plan:

just me go to tanners until 10:40ish

get back to  the apartment around 11ish and go to the school party with my roommate ash. and thats what happened

the details:

I got to Tanner's party and had tons of fun. We chatted and played games. there was only 8 of us total, but it was awesome. I didn't want to leave but i don't break promises. So i got back at 11. 

and Ash and I went to the school party. two words are all i need to explain it: slut competition. I don't think i have ever seen skankier dressed girls or closer dancing in my life. I didn't want to really go in the first place cause i hate dances and can't dance. but ash needed a friend to go with, but i think she made a couple new friends.

ash is wearing leggings that look like the universe, a fringe tank top, and a pink jacket. I'm wearing jeans a t-shirt and a sweater/jacket thing.

Getting into the dance:

I drive us there. we find out its actually $20 per person, and we don't want to pay that much. so we start to leave, but this guy confronts us about why we are leaving and gives us wristbands for only $10. we get in, but we have to get patted down by cops first. my first experience ever getting patted down it was sketchy. 

The dance:

so obviously i'm not going to be a party pooper so ash leads us to the middle of a giant mosh pit. I'm kinda having fun until it starts getting squishy. people start stepping on my toes, I almost fell over probably more than 5 times. I got squished between two peoples backs for about 10 min between (not to be rude) but this huge girl, and this guy. ash has started dancing with some random stranger. finally I can't take the pushing and squishing anymore, so I tell her I'm going to find a roomier area. I go over to a wall on the outskirts and just chill there from about 11:45ish-12:05ish. then I go sit in a chair for about 10 min all while texting Lex about how awful this party is. Oh i forgot about every other song there was strobe lights. so I'm blind and deaf right now. she texts me and we meet back up. She said that she kissed that guy she was dancing with at midnight and got his number.once again reminding me how i've gone 18 years without getting a new years eve kiss. and spent this one entirely alone. She said she needed to say hi to someone who was there then we could leave. we go back into the mosh pit (after he doesn't show up) to look for him. She sees some of her friends and we dance with them for about an hr. During which she gets up on the stage for about two songs, then to get down she gets on her friends' friends' shoulders (i hope that makes sense). then we finally get her back to the ground and she starts dancing with him. so after about 5 min of that i told her i was getting hot. so i left and sat in the hallway on the cold cement for about 10-15 min. then she texts me asking where I am so we can go, and she says her friends are going hot tubing. and her and I are invited. the guys leave, and she wants to go have one more dance with a guy she knows, so i join ( it was 2 or 3 more dances) (keep in mind its about 1:30 or so by this time). 

After the dance:

we finally get around to leaving. and i tell her i don't want to go hot tubing (mainly cause I know none of these people, and I don't have a swimsuit here) so I tell her I don't have a swimsuit (shes from Hawaii, so she has millions) she offers for me to wear one of hers. I basically say no, but I will still drive her to go hot tubing. she gets ready and we get in the elevator in our apartment building. we live on the 3rd floor and we had to get to the underground parking garage. we press the button the doors close. we are talking and after a minute I realize we haven't moved. that's right i'm now stuck in an elevator. we press the buttons. I'm about to have a panic attack and I start screaming about how we are stuck in a freaking elevator at 2 in the morning on new years day. after a couple minutes the doors finally open and we get out, i take her to the thing. and here i am at 2:50 on new years day telling you. HAPPY NEW YEAR. my resolutions: learn how to play my guitar and be better

January 12th: T told me he sent my package

January 18th: I basically just told T how much I hate not being to call him up any second of the day. I think I was having a really bad day.

January 19th: I got in a huge fight with Lex today. It was awful. I really want a tattoo. That is the only time I can ever remember getting in a fight with her. She basically told me I couldn't go to the highest part of the heaven we believe in. 

January 25th: the last time T emailed me

February 7th: the last time I emailed him. to be honest I was kind of upset that  you didn't email me last week, but your busy so oh well. Monday was the worst day I have had in a long time, I balled for 30 min in my car at the target parking lot in the snow on the phone with Summer at about midnight. the only people i wanted to talk to were you and summer. but then that tuesday after i went to Drumline rehearsal and had the best day ever. i really needed that. this week has been long and stressful. i'm going to Idaho next weekend, i am super excited, i bet your package will come when i'm gone. I am trying to move out of my apartment and am looking for a new job. Things haven't exactly been the best or going my way this last little while, but i guess thats life. 

Fabrurary 27th: I still haven't gotten my package and he still hasn't emailed me. I am wondering if he has even sent my package yet or just told me he did to get me to hush up about it. The fact that he hasn't emailed me the last 4 weeks makes me really worried. I am worried that something either happened to him, or something I did is making him choose not to email me.